What If The GOP Field Became CEOs?



The cast.

Did you know who Herman Cain was in 2008?

We didn’t. We didn’t even know what Godfather’s Pizza was in 2008.

Now everyone knows who Herman Cain is. He’s the former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza and was very recently making a highly publicized run at the Republican seat for the 2012 presidential election.

Former CEO of a pizza joint running for president? Impressive. Well, it’s more impressive on paper than it is in person.

Despite his experience near pizza ovens, Herman Cain couldn’t handle the heat. But there’s a trove of GOP hopefuls that seem to debate every 45 seconds.

Obviously, there can only be one winner. We’re sure each of the candidates who falls short will go back to being politicians, but what if they couldn’t?

What if they, like Herman Cain, took over a company? What would be a good fit for them?

Well, here are our picks:

Rick Perry: Bass Pro Shops

Rick-Perry-Bass-Pro-ShopTexas governor Rick Perry doesn’t apologize for being a man’s man. He’s an ardent Texan who loves to hunt and do other things cliche Texans like to do.

That’s why Bass Pro Shops is the perfect fit for him. I mean, not only would he kill it as CEO, I bet he could slip on a green polo, hit the store floor and be employee of the month by the end of his first day.

He needs to be in a role where he knows EXACTLY what he’s talking about. We’ve seen in the debates what happens if he’s left to his own devices.

Rick knows guns. Rick knows sportsmen. Rick is a good fit at BPS.

Mitt Romney: Netflix

Mitt-Romney-NetflixMitt Romney, who will likely end up being the GOP nominee, has taken tons of heat during his campaign.

Much of that heat has come from Mr. Perry, who did his best to confuse all of us when he tried to point out that Romney is a flip-flopper. Romney doesn’t support Obama Care, yet his policies while governor of Massachusetts are similar.

Which is why Netflix is perfect! Considering all of the flip flopping they’ve done recently with Qwikster and who the hell else knows what, he’s the right man for the job.

Jon Huntsman: Nike

Jon-Huntsman-NikeIt’d be too easy to peg him as the front man for Hunt’s ketchup, so we thought a little more on this one.

Considering Jon Huntsman, former ambassador to China, speaks fluent Mandarin, why not put him at the helm of a company that relies heavily on the Chinese workforce?

As China slowly earns more and more human rights, worker rights will likely come along with it. Nike is going to need a smooth talker overseas to keep those workers making shoes for three sticks of Trident Layers a day.

Newt Gingrich: De Beers

Newt-Gingrich-De-BeersEarly in his campaign, several stories came out citing how high of a bill Newt racked up at Tiffany’s. Reports said he owed as much as $500,000 — that’s some serious bling.

So when Newt eventually bows out, it’s only right he gets into the jewel game.

But Newt is a former Speaker of the House. He’s too big time for your Jareds and Zales of the diamond world. Considering he knows the diamond market so well, let’s get him near those troves of diamonds De Beers is holding on to.

Rick Santorum: Ben and Jerry’s

Rick-Santorum-Ben-and-JerrysWe’re chalk this one up as a business experiment. One of the more conservative guys on the GOP panel, it would be funny to see how Santorum would transform one of the more liberal companies we consume.

And considering he’s such an opponent to same-sex marriage, you’d know he’d change the name to Ben and Sally’s or something like that.

A close second: Astroglide. (Google “Santorum” to figure out why)

Ron Paul: MySpace

Ron-Paul-MyspaceIf you think about it, Ron Paul is the MySpace of the GOP field.

Like Ron, MySpace had its moment in the sun. It has all the cool bells and whistles that Ron Paul spouts off at debates. Want music on your Facebook profile? Not happening. But it did on MySpace!

Your MySpace profile covered with weed plants? Ron Paul is your guy!

The only problem is, the longer you stare at those custom wallpapers, picture slideshows, in-your-face colors and listen to that music, the more you realize MySpace really isn’t for you. They’re a match made in Heaven.

Michele Bachmann: Pampered Chef

Michele-Bachmann-Pampered-ChefYou don’t often hear about Pampered Chef parties here in New York. Well, at least we don’t. And that’s probably because of two big reasons:

1. We’re in New York City
2. We’re males in our mid-20s

However, if you travel a few hundred miles West of Broadway, you’re going to find herds of middle-aged women ready to get bombed on some Skinny Girl Margaritas at a Pampered Chef Party.

If Michele wasn’t in politics, we’d guess she’d need a break from those 23 foster children every once in a while to buy a new pizza stone. Or seven pizza stones. That’s a lot of kids to feed.

Michele is assertive, bold, friendly and warm — when she’s not on the cover of Newsweek. She seems like the type of person who can both make a room full of women her best friends and get them to buy a new Handy Scraper and paring knife.

Have some suggestions for the candidates? Leave a comment!

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2 Responses to “What If The GOP Field Became CEOs?”
  1. McFly says:

    Haha – Netflix one is perfect

  2. Reply All says:

    Ron Paul at MySpace… genius.

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