Water Cooler Rant: Jake, “The Bachelor,” is an Idiot
I have no reason to lie to any of you, so when I say this, I hope you know it’s the truth.
"Sometimes I get confused easily."
I really didn’t watch one minute of “The Bachelor” before last night’s season finale. And I don’t know how I ended up watching it.
I’ll blame it on post-Olympics television confusion. I was working on my iTunes library when I noticed “The Bachelor” was on in the background. I quickly noted how hot one of the chicks was: Tenley.
So I kept a closer eye on it as I chatted with my other sheep (Reply All & McFly). I saw there was a second lady, and realized it was the finale.
The end result: The show stayed on and I became increasingly infuriated. So if you run into the hot chick in the cafeteria today, then bring up the show last night and drop some knowledge on her.
Here’s what I figured out, and what baffled, me in 120 wasted life minutes:
1. Vienna was cast to create some controversy in the house. If she wasn’t cast for this, I can assure you she would have been on “Flavor of Love.” I can’t imagine what the producers were thinking the longer she stayed on. I’m sure they love her more than Jake does. I’m giving Vienna a 7/10…8 on a good day. I feel like she’s gotta do something with her hair.
2. Tenley is an All-American girl. She’s also a 10/10 on the hot scale.
In about three years, this memory burned into his brain is all Jake will have left. Moron.
3. Jake is an idiot…and cries a lot, which I’m sure women love.
4. “On The Wings of Love” during the love montage at the end was the most awkward 90 seconds of television I’ve ever watched. Just find ANYTHING in the neighborhood of “One Shining Moment” and you have a sick montage (if you’re confused, click here and watch). I really wanted to vomit during that pathetic montage.
5. What the hell is going on with this Tenley chick? Divorced and dumped on The Bachelor at 25? There’s gotta be something up with this chick. Sounds like Jake couldn’t put his finger on it, but I’ll try: She’s crazy. So, maybe Jake didn’t make the bad pick at all.
But — Tenley is a 10. A 10.
Alright, I’ve gotta go rep a set on incline press. Going for 225 today.
Good luck talking to the lady.
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hahaha love this!! I didn’t really like Jake or Vienna or Tenley! They were all dumb.
I was hoping for a 0-0, Jake saying “yeah nevermind, none of y’all work”. I embargoed a blog for my work about how he shouldn’t have picked Vienna (live at 9am today), so I secretly wanted him to pick her so I wouldn’t have to re-write. Nice post!
I thought I was going to catch some heat on calling Tenley crazy. Jake definitely should have scapped both and get a Jesse Palmer-like job…Instead he’ll be on Dancing With The Stars. How not to parlay The Bachelor to stardom…
This blog really put an end to something that has been bothering me… chicks’ facebook statuses. For the past two days I have seen “VIENNA?!” and “OMG VIENNA?!” and “WTF VIENNAAAA!!11!” all over sorority chicks’ facebook profiles. I’m thinking to myself, “damn man, I used to work in Vienna. What the FUCK is happening there?”
Glad to know it was just a show and happy to say that I have never seen it.
Thank you, Evan. Every time you see one of those, do me a favor and paste this link on their status. Let them know how you really feel!
And, don’t ever watch this show.