Ugly Christmas Sweaters in the Office
It’s that time of year—ill-fitting thrift store blazers give way to eye-searing Christmas sweaters. The sales manager wears one on casual Fridays, the lady in HR wears a different one every day and the new design intern wears the same one every day. They’re not just confined to the office holiday party. They’re lurking everywhere and you can’t escape them.
That means you have two choices: you can live in a state of fear and hatred, or you can begin to understand, and eventually befriend, your enemy. It should be an easy choice—the Christmas sweaters aren’t going anywhere, so you might as well learn to love them. And love starts with understanding.
The Anatomy of a Christmas Sweater
Christmas sweaters are sort of like an ancient order of wizard-vampires: those that are oldest and most outlandish are the most respected among their peers. A sweater from 1976 is an elder statesman and respected voice in the cult of bloodsucking Christmas sorcerer-garments compared to something bought online in 2006, for instance. Similarly, the size of the characters, animals and scenes depicted on the sweater carries great implications. A reindeer that takes up the entire front of the sweater is much more regal than a series of tasteful, patterned reindeer across the chest area. A giant, glittery snowman with tassels hanging off of it is a universally-loved emperor, whereas a single friendly snowman emblazoned on the shoulder is a mere peasant.
The more garish, glittery, unseemly and mind-boggling the article of clothing is, the higher it is in the ugly Christmas sweater pecking order. You might find the lady in HR boorish and try to avoid her, but in the world of ugly Christmas sweaters she is a peerless and terrible queen of holiday cheer.
How to Live with Christmas Sweaters
Now that you understand the hierarchy of ugly Christmas sweaters, it’s time to adapt. The only way to survive in a cubicle maze full of offensively-garish holiday clothing is to embrace it completely. Shut off the rational side of your brain, let your eyes glaze over and let the awful colors embed themselves in your soul. After all, these terrible sweaters offer you a break from seeing all of the same wrinkled dress shirts and tacky ties for a month or so, and that has to count for something. Embrace the pain.