A herd of fellow sheep and I recently embarked on an intrepid excursion to Dewey Beach, Del. for the Memorial Day weekend festivities. For a full account of the mayhem that occurred, you will have to read my personal blog, “Diary of an Average Douchebag.” (or read this)

In it you will find full detail on how the women at Dewey are behaving like men. They are laying it down there for any passing dude to pick up, like they were raised by Ke$ha.

After just two days at Dewey, I headed home to return to normal life.

As I will not start my residency for another week, this includes playing Mario Kart 64 in my underwear on the couch and sending abrasive texts to my friends that have jobs. However, my demanding schedule of video games and ridicule was derailed by one of the worst hangovers I have ever experienced in my life. The repeated icings imposed a hangover that only Gary Busey could comprehend.

Medicine is a profession where you are taught to be empathetic, so I tried to envision and understand what my fellow sheep with post-Memorial Day workplace hangovers were experiencing.

This long and entertaining introduction brings us to this week’s Functional Friday: Prevention and Cures for the Office Hangover.

Understanding your enemy: The physiology of a hangover

Alcohol is a toxin to the human body, and it is distributed in virtually every type of tissue. Direct effects of alcohol that contribute to a hangover:

Dehydration: Alcohol acts as a diuretic, which means that it causes increased urine output and dehydration. Alcohol prevents the release of antidiuretic hormone (ADH) from the pituitary gland in the brain. ADH causes the kidney to reabsorb water, so when levels of ADH are low, urine production is increased.

Electrolyte gradient disturbances: Electrolytes that are essential to normal, non-hungover metabolism leave the body in your urine. Alcohol consumption also causes shifts in electrolyte concentrations between the intracellular and extracellular compartments of the body.

Gastrointestinal disturbances: Alcohol is an irritant to the gastrointestinal mucosa.

Sleep disturbances: Alcohol reduces REM sleep.

Hypoglycemia: Alcohol causes low blood-sugar levels.

Researchers also believe that hangovers can be attributed to mild alcohol withdrawal and to the toxic effects of acetaldehyde, a metabolite of alcohol. Evidence also supports the claim that congeners (substances produced during the fermentation process) are partially responsible for hangover symptoms.

Preventing a hangover

The obvious way to prevent a hangover is to refrain from drinking alcohol to the level of intoxication. However, a few drinking skills will help you in the prevention of a hangover if you insist on taking it to The Max:

Hydrate: Increase your intake of water when you drink. Consuming four alcoholic beverages can cause you to lose a liter of water or more through the diuretic effect of alcohol. One liter is approximately two pints. For every two alcoholic drinks, you should consume a pint of water. Chug it if you must, as you will undoubtedly be subjected to the harassment of nearby douchebags and alcoholics: “What is that? WATER ”

Eat something: Make sure that your electrolytes, vitamins, and sugar are replenished. These include sodium, potassium, and B vitamins.

Eating something before and during your binge will also prevent the hypoglycemia that alcohol can cause. Going out with a banana in your pocket is totally rad and can also compensate for a small bulge. It is a chick magnet and a hangover prevention device.

Beer over liquor: Beer has a higher concentration of water and a lower concentration of alcohol than liquor. This means that it provides relatively more hydration while causing less dehydration. I’m sorry tequila. You know you are still my paramour.

Clear liquor over dark liquor: Alcoholic drinks that contain fewer congeners (vodka, gin) are associated with a lower incidence of hangovers than those with more congeners (whiskey, red wine, and brandy).

You went to the max, and now you need a cure

You did it. You out-drank everyone at the party, late-nighted with the most attractive girls who attended, and made some promiscuous decisions. Now all you have to show for your hubristic drinking is a bad hangover and a potential phone call to me so that you can ask me if a person can get herpes from oral sex. Yes, I actually received that phone call from a fellow sheep.

To cure the symptoms of your hangover:

Hydrate and eat as if you were in prevention mode. If you are vomiting and in severe GI distress, start with just water. Graduate to a full liquid diet, then take solid foods as you can tolerate them. Antacids may help to alleviate the nausea and upset stomach.

Aspirin and other nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDS) can be used to treat headache and muscle aches. However, these drugs must be used with extreme caution, as they are gastric irritants and can worsen your upset stomach. If you have significant GI symptoms, I would stay away from the NSAIDS.

Avoid acetaminophen (Tylenol) during your hangover, because alcohol worsens the liver toxicity that occurs during acetaminophen metabolism.

Try some of these tips and see if they work for you.

If you see me in Dewey and feel the need to thank me for the hangover prevention advice, do not rush me. I’ll be too hungover to care or remember, and I’ve been known to slap a fool during a hangover.

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