The Dangers of “It’s Hot as Balls Outside”
"Well, there's no point in hiding these puppies any more."
It is not that surprising: Mothers like to gaze at their children’s accomplishments like a small child in awe of Independence Day fireworks. However, my mother views my writing less like an explosion of beauty and more like a Mel Gibson rant. Her subtle criticism of last month’s column: “You are a doctor now, and if you keep writing like this, someone is going to sue you.”
With imminent litigation in mind, let me say this to my loving mother: It is hot as balls in Baltimore. You see, Mom, testicles are kept approximately two degrees cooler than the rest of the body. This is why they are external to the abdominal cavity and just dangling there for any angry woman to kick, slap, or mutilate. It has been postulated that enzymes necessary for the production of sperm have their maximum activity at a temperature slightly below that of the body. Hence, the boys are outside.
So when I say it is “hotter than balls outside,” I mean that it is hotter than 96.6 F. And that, mother, is science.
I know that many of you are protected in your safe little cubicles, probably situated so that an AC vent blows chilled air directly up your suit pants. However, you still need to beat the heat to avoid the adverse health effects of heat exposure.
These are some common conditions that can result from excessive heat exposure:
Kidney stones
Kidney stones, or “renal calculi,” as we call them in the business, are precipitations of normally soluble compounds in the urinary system. The pain associated with kidney stones can be extremely debilitating, and has been called the “male childbirth.” Unless you want to experience what that waitress in New Orleans went through nine months after you visited for Mardi Gras, you should take preventive measures and avoid the stones.
Kidney stones form when certain chemicals in our urine are present in concentrations that exceed their solubility. When you are exposed to extreme heat, you body sweats to cool you down. This loss of water through your sweat glands makes your body conserve water in other ways, mainly by concentrating your urine. When your urine is more concentrated, it has less water in it, and it is easier for stones to form as they are not being “diluted.”
The pain associated with kidney stones can be extremely debilitating, and has been called the “male childbirth.”
If you are out in the heat, drink water. Lots of it. The best way to avoid kidney stones is to stay well hydrated, because your urine output will be maintained and any potential stones will be washed away. H 2 O, baby.
Orthostatic hypotension
When you go from a sitting position to a standing position, the normal body response is a mild constriction of the blood vessels and a compensatory increase in heart rate to maintain blood pressure. If you are dehydrated from heat exposure, you will not have the blood volume to maintain your pressure when you stand. This can manifest mildly as lightheadedness, or severely as a loss of consciousness.
Again, lots of fluids will prevent this problem.
Heat stroke
The definition of "it's hot as balls out."
Heat stroke is the end-result of extreme heat exposure. It occurs when the body is no longer able to cool itself at an adequate rate.
Symptoms of heat stroke include hot skin, confusion, and even convulsions. The body must be immediately cooled, and this can be done with cold water immersion and administration of cold fluids.
Chances are that you will not succumb to heat stroke while walking to get your afternoon iced latte. However, the few sheep that decide to graze outside during the heat have been warned.
Drink lots of water. Pee every five minutes if you must. Coworkers may judge you for your pea-sized bladder. Some may even infer that you have a tiny phallus. Let them think what they may. When they are sobbing like a disciplined toddler with kidney stones, you and your urethra will be calm and easy.
In closing, what son would not give advice to his loving mother?
Drink lots of water, Momma.
It is hot as balls out there.
The whole “male childbirth” thing made me cringe.