Summer office wear can be a delicate topic, especially if you are one of those employees (or employers) who purchases their office wardrobe at Hot Topix. When the red stuff that scientists put in thermometers, which I understand is Mercury but, like, isn’t Mercury poisonous? goes up — the flesh comes out, and before you know it, the office, which used to be a place where people did work and what have you, can turn into a real meat parade. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. But it depends on where you work, and with whom.

Not all bodies are created equal. Most people have the wherewithal to know if they should be wearing a tube top or g-string over bike shorts in public, but some simply do not.

So here are a few yes yeses, which can help keep your human resources cool and comfortable.

Shorts

Though shorts are not traditionally ideal office wear, in the summer, you can dress them up with ease. Men can wear those dorky khaki jams with huge cargo pockets, with a nice pink or baby blue collar shirt tucked in, though in general, I frown upon the tucked in shirt look unless you work in 1950s Ohio. If you work in a more casual environment, a crisp, not dingy, white V-neck shirt on a man is always sexy, while also being appropriate. But remember: don’t tuck it in, because I think that’s gay. By the way, I don’t really understand why cargo pants and cargo shorts are even sold in retail stores. What kind of cargo are you going to be carrying to work in those pockets? Lunch? Hm. Have you heard of a brown bag? Much more fashionable.

Women can dress up shorts with a nice blouse and some accessories. I think it is OK to wear those cute short-ish sassy gal sailor style shorts to work. But use this simple guideline — if you have to pull them out of your buttocks or vagina at any point during your morning preparatory regimen, they are too short.

Open toed shoes

Open toed shoes are like a tee shirt for the toes — that is, shoes that leave the toes uncovered. Novel, I know! All winter long, those piggies are hibernating in warm wool socks. Now that the picante weather is here, it’s time to wake those Rip Van Winkles up. Before trying to do something crazy, like pull off a pair of the aforementioned open toed shoes, there are a few things one must do. First, one must either pay a person to provide or give oneself a pedicure — toe nails trimmed & cleaned, and polish applied if that’s your “thing.” Ladies, DO go the extra mile and shave or pluck those 4 errant big toe hairs, which are the equivalent of your toe trying to grow a beard but failing.

Men should never under any circumstances wear open toed shoes in the office. This includes flip flops, mandals, high heeled sneakers, or self-styled shoes with the toe area removed. Those mesh tennis shoes or top siders, however, ARE ACCEPTABLE.

A WORD ON THOSE OPEN TOED BOOTS that I’ve seen all the ladies wearing as of late: Boooooooo!

Vest without a jacket

Yes, over a tee shirt or short-sleeved top. Sleeveless sweater vests are also dressy but temperate. Alone with nothing underneath it is not okay, unless you are one of the Village People.

Hopefully you work in an office where your employers are humane and provide air conditioning that is so cold, you need to bring a jacket to keep yourself from getting hypothermia by the end of the workday.

Until next time, wear something that makes me proud!

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   “Must-Haves” For A Summer In The Cubicle
3. 
   
   Dos and Donts: Summer In The Office

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