Flat Ass Like Me? Try This Chair
This is NOT a picture of Laura Prangley at the beach. (It's Kim Kardashian)
It is a fact that I was born into a family of flat butts.
My three sisters and I all inherited my Mom’s butt; pardon me, le derrière. I don’t lump my male-model brother into that category because he inherited my Dad’s genes, which is oddly close to Spanish Mamacita tush. How did that happen? Genetics is trying prohibit the possibility of the Prangley ladies ever starring in a rap video. Thanks a lot, you genetic jerks! (Diddy, if you’re reading this, please make my dream come true!).
Last year I lived in a tenement, I mean apartment, in the Lower East Side of Manhattan. I lived on the sixth floor of a six-floor walk up, but my loving boyfriend assured that my sad butt was getting a little lift of justice. Normally the cynic in me would take his remark as the default boyfriend boost. However, after 7 months of moving out of my luxurious set up, it’s simply deflated. Deflated in a literally and figurative meaning.
Instead of accepting this unfortunate attribute, I decided to take the road less traveled: The scientific route. A road that assures no detours, such as the intersection of Heidi Montague Street and Ass Implant Avenue.
Hypothesis
There is a high correlation between my concave condition and working a day job that requires sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day.
Observations
My chair looks like the leftovers of a lion gnawing on its prey, termites then infesting, and finished off by decay in the warm sun. It’s the same sort of feeling as being on a Greyhound bus, you don’t really who was sitting there before you. The bones in my behind are not responding well, kind of pissed.
Where crappy office furniture goes to die.
Results
Depression, loss of confidence, decrease in inappropriate comments by cat-callers that I have to pretend to hate.
Conclusion
Convince the office manager to invest in a Isokinetics chair on Amazon.com for $79.98. At least I’m not trying to suggest an executive chair, because that might be insinuating too much skill on my behalf.
This could change your whole life…or just the shape of your rear.
Follow Up
Fail. Ass is still as flat as the world in the Dark Ages.
Related Posts
-
Take a Stand: Protect Your Office Chair!
-
My Office Chair is Crumbling
-
Rational MLB Pitcher Kicks Chair, Breaks Toe
I want that ball chair to keep my 6 pack abs in check all day.