It’s rather lame. News 24 hours about New York City and the surrounding areas, and really lame public access shows.

You’ll never see anything like the video below, where two men suddenly break out into a fight during an Italian news cast.

I’ve gotten pretty pissed off at my coworkers, but this is taking it to another level. Being that it’s two dudes in Italy, I’ll go with they were arguing about which Italian soccer club was better: F.C. Internazionale or A.C. Milan.

Whatever it is, the guy on the right needs to hit the weight room. How do you push someone’s head when he’s not expecting it and it not end with you pummeling him?

With a move like that, you shouldn't have a scratch on you.

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I’ve always had a deep appreciation for the Zamboni. I grew up playing hockey. Every 20 minutes, that puppy rolls out and turns the playing surface into a fresh sheet. The driver was always a mythical creature to me. He drove with such grace, covering all corners of the rink, and retired into the garage not to be seen until the next intermission.

I always wanted to be a Zamboni driver…until Wednesday night, when a Zamboni fell through thin ice.

A driver was grooming the lake at about 6:15 p.m., when the ice cracked and the 7,000-pound machine began to sink.

Does my seat double as a flotation device?

Thankfully, the driver was not hurt. And, yes, that’s a “Caution! Thin Ice” sign in the foreground. According to the article, the sign was located a distance from the machine. I’m sorry, but 500 feet is too close. If there’s thin ice in the vicinity, can we keep the 3.5-ton machine in the shed?

And can we get a probe on the working conditions at Keystone Lake???

[Source: The Denver Post]

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Mark is smoker. Now don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against smoking, nor fellow co-workers that smoke. I am simply jealous. Jealous in the fact that Mark can take 4-5 smoke breaks per day without raising any red flags.

After several months of watching Mark put on his jacket and go for smoke, I became curious as to the length of time for each smoke break.

There was only one way to find out — track the smoke breaks. For this test, I decided to log the date, temperature, type of jacket worn, time of day, and duration. It was tough to log EVERY smoke break, considering meetings and the general busyness of work, but I was able to log 20 smoke breaks in a one month period.

Table 1

Now that we have the data, what kind of conclusions can be made? Well first off, when Mark’s supervisor walks by and asks about his whereabouts… I can give a more definitive answer. Not simply, “He’s smoking”.

Rather, I can confidently respond… y = 0.0126x + 10.308

That is Excel’s way of providing me with Miss Cleo psychic powers.

When will Mark be back? In approximately 10.5726 minutes, Bob.

Based on this graph, Mark’s next smoke break should take around 10 1/2 minutes. I’ll be sure to post the results (any bets on the over under?)

What is even more surprising is Mark’s use of his winter wardrobe. To maximize smoke breaks, one would obviously want the warmest jacket. Not the case. The sweatshirt is the outerwear of choice and maybe for good reason. The down jacket paired with a hot cigarette may cause discomfort, despite the increased duration of the smoke break. Mark is sticking with the sweatshirt.

I'm starting to second guess the quality of Mark's jacket.

This is by no means a rant on smoking at the office. I just wanted to provide the facts to the rest of the group — the non-smokers. While a cigarette break isn’t exactly productive, a non-cigarette break appears even less productive. Simply put, non-smokers would look bad if they wanted a 10 minute breather outside.

Let’s run some quick figures on compensation. Say a smoker is paid $60,000 a year. That equates to about $4.81 every 10 minutes. Assuming 2 smoke breaks per day (I consider this low for Mark), that is roughly $2,300 a year.

How about I keep that cash and Mark can keep puffing away.

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She’s suing E-Trade $100M for misappropriating her name in a commercial…the ones starring talking babies.

It’s clear Lindsay Lohan is on the fast track to a VH1 reality show — soon she’ll need money that bad.

I tried to do a little history on why Lindsay Lohan is a known name, and I didn’t come up with much.

She was in a bunch of commercials as a child, which can make you some nice moola. Then she was in the Disney movie The Parent Trap, with the late Natasha Richardson. She was in Mean Girls in 2004, a movie I thought was decent. Since then, when she was 18, she hasn’t done much except be a human train wreck with the occasional appearance where she looked hot.

When your Wikipedia page has a listing in the “Contents” area that says “4.2 Car accidents, DUIs and rehabilitation” — your career might not be going as planned. All your left with is a Twitter relationship with Sam Ronson and filing silly lawsuits.

As I wrote on our Twitter page yesterday: #goaway

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www.cxo.eu.com

Men still command the lion’s share of Fortune 500 companies, but you can see female leaders are making a dent in agriculture, media, and health industries. However, I wouldn’t hold my breath for a Ms. Ford anytime soon — but is that an industry women want to align themselves with nowadays?

[Source: CXO Europe]

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"Condo paid for, no car payment." - If he were still alive, I would need some advice.

Drop some knowledge on your coworkers this morning and reminisce: Christopher Wallace, aka The Notorious B.I.G., died 13 years ago today.

The guy is a rap legend. If you were born in the 80s, you’re like us.

Who doesn’t want to recite what we memorized so long ago: Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis. When I was dead broke, man, I’d never picture this. 50-inch screen, money green, leather sofa. Got two rides, a limousine with a chouffa.

Bonus clip for you: One of the top jams of the 90s. I would hit the ice skating rink on Friday night and wait for my top jam, “Hypnotize.”

Ironically, it’s from the album, Life After Death, which is where we hope he’s chillin today. If you can’t appreciate rapping during a REVERSE high speed chase with Diddy as the driver, you have no pulse. (2:14 mark, beginning with a slow, dramatic turn-around)

Tell us – What was your favorite Biggie song back in the day?

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Even the pig is confused as to why it's wearing pearls.

Remember the one time you brought that Lean Cuisine in for lunch and left the plastic wrap in the microwave? The office administrator certainly does.

See crazy $$$$ around your office? Snap a PDA picture and send it to submissions@thecollaredsheep.com and tell us why it’s funny.

---

Other “Seen Around the Office” shots:

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"That damn killer whale had to steal all my thunder."

What do I mean? I’m sure you often forget how instrumental fingers are in your career.

So if you had a hard time rolling into work this morning, at least you have your fingers. Tracy Weiler won’t be able to say that the next time she goes to work. That’s because her fingers were BITTEN OFF BY A BEAR.

An Asiatic black bear at Lincoln Park Zoo bit off all or parts of four fingers from the hand of a 47-year-old woman after she went past barriers and was trying to feed the animal, a Manitowoc police captain said.

What if Tracy does data input for a living? What if she’s a stenographer? Adios.

Something is telling me Tracy was neither of the above. I’m pretty sure she had nothing that resembled a good job. According to the story, police believe alcohol was involved. Weiler was at the zoo with her boyfriend and her 3-year-old granddaughter.

Let’s just hope Weiler isn’t in the daycare business.

But enough about her. Take a look at those fingers and really appreciate how important they are to you.

And remember, if you’re having a case of the Mondays, you could be missing four fingers.

[Source: Manitowoc Herald Times Reporter]

Only you can prevent getting your fingers bitten off. Moron.

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If that’s not good enough, Dunkin Donuts has announced it’s offering free coffee every Monday in March. The second best part? They don’t make you get the .024 ounce small size. You can get a medium. And if you’re an iced-coffee type of sheep, you’re in luck, too. How generous.

This is fantastic news we hope you’ll take advantage of the rest of the month.

Dunkin Donuts free coffee Mondays? Yes, please.

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Did you stay up for the strange text screens after the credits? I did.

I couldn’t tell if ‘Terminator 2″ being on TNT before the Oscars last night was a good sign or a bad sign.

It was a good sign. Overall, Terminator 2 made way for a rather entertaining Academy Awards.

I feel like the Grammys have it so much easier. Because those people are live performers by trade, they can do what they do to entertain us between awards. But the Academy Awards had me going the whole time.

If you missed it, here are 13 talking points for the Oscars water cooler talk this morning without sounding like a tool:

1. Alec Baldwin dropped an amazing intro for Steve Martin, one of the all-time greats. Martin’s return line: “And this is Alec Baldwin.” Yes, it was hilarious. The pair had an amazing opening that followed an entertaining old-Hollywood number by Doogie Howser.

2. There was a nice tribute to the late-John Hughes and all of the fun films he made. Mathew Broderick still looks 18 and Macaulay Caulkin looks even creepier now. How he’s with Mila Kunis, we’ll never know.

3. Elinor Burkett’s (picture, right) Kanye West moment busting in on Roger Ross Williams’ speech was overshadowed by a killer appearance by Ben Stiller (picture, left — more in a sec). Don’t let people forget about the awkward moment Burkett made that invoked the “get off the stage” music.

4. Ben Stiller, who I felt had jumped the shark for a bit, killed it by decking himself out as a Navi (from Avatar). He was hilarious, although I think the fishing pole (joked as the special effects for his tail) could have been cut from the bit. All together, great showing by him as the presenter of best makeup.

"Don't worry, Elanor, my funny presentation will make everyone forget they never knew who you were in the first place. Apologize to Roger Ross Williams, now."

5. The guy who survived 13 years to thank everyone at the Oscars for his work on the Avatar set production high jacked the speech from two of his colleagues. I’m glad he didn’t die, but I wonder if his fellow winners who didn’t get to speak are pissed.

6. I’m hoping you’ve never seen The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, because that movie looks creepy as hell. It looks like Willy Wonka on acid — think about how creepy that would be.

The music can't cut off a sign, but the producers can cut away. Nice try.

7. The gorgeous Charlize Theron had a dress that had two giant tassles (the kind that strippers wear).

8. James Cameron was once married to Katheryn Bigelow, the director of The Hurt Locker. She’s much better looking than Cameron’s current wife, Suzy Amis (whom he was sitting with right behind Bigelow). They both seem equally annoying.

9. If you want to be ultra relevant, you can mention Kathy Ireland’s super awkward appearance hosting one of the pre-shows on ABC. She couldn’t have looked more uncomfortable. It was a train wreck.

10. The winners of best documentary The Cove, which looked really interesting, are super pumped about saving dolphins. One of the winners hoisted a sign (followed by a prompt cutaway). In case you were wondering, it said “Text DOLPHIN to 44144.” …I’m assuming standard text messaging rates apply.

11. Did Mo’nique kill it in Precious? Yes. Was she recognized for it as best supporting actress? Yes. Are her hairy arms scary in HD? Yes.

12. I always knew Meryl Streep was very respected, but I didn’t realize she’s pretty much the Michael Jordan of acting. 16 Academy Award nominations. Done. (For the record, she didn’t win for best actress, Sandra Bullock did.)

13. What a power three minutes for Bigelow. The night ended with her becoming the first female to win best director. She’s backstage for 15 seconds before Tom Hanks announces The Hurt Locker as best picture. And, if you haven’t seen it — go watch it.

Overall, it was  an entertaining time, as stated. There were a lot of moments where you could tell Arnold Schwarzenegger would have said “I know now why you cry, but it is something I can never do.”

This thumbs up of approval is sponsored by 'Up' on Blu-ray.

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