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Does Your Performance Evaluation Need Improvement?

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paper performance evaluations thumbTwice a year HR forgets that they hired me to fill a mickey mouse position that even Mickey Mouse himself would find unchallenging, and presents me with five pages of employee performance evaluation statements upon which I must be rated.  Suddenly all those months of tough guy talk and wishing that I could tell management exactly what I think go right out the window.

Honesty has no place on a performance evaluation unless you’re trying to get yourself fired.  And if you’re trying to get yourself fired there are probably much cooler ways to do it.  Therefore, you must lie about how much initiative you have and about your burning desire to grow within the company.  Lying is not what I have an issue with.  My problem is with the fact that 95% of the evaluation statements have absolutely nothing to do with my high school internship of a job.   The questions were designed for employees with real responsibilities and real career goals.  They were designed for people who have control over budgets and project scopes and who take clients out to the golf course and use phrases like “fire drill” and “skin the golden goose.”

You think I ever skinned a golden goose?  Hell no.  Only upper management is that sadistic.  What I did do was book their tee time and then complain about it on Twitter.  Those are my real responsibilities   So, in order to help out HR who has apparently lost touch with reality, I have compiled a list of revised statements that I feel would more accurately measure my secretarial performance.

Current Statements Revised Statements
  • Continually seeks to expand knowledge and understanding of the business.
  • Continually seeks to expand knowledge and understanding of management’s culinary preferences to ensure accurate ordering of “the usual.”
  • Shows enthusiasm and interest in work and new projects
  • Fakes enthusiasm and interest in new projects that are of no interest.
  • Understands project scope and budget prior to commencement of work.
  • Understands project scope and budget prior to commencement of work on company car at Jiffy Lube.
  • Responds to time sensitive requests in a prompt fashion.
  • Responds to time sensitive requests after hour and a half Chipotle lunch has been completed and digested.
  • Uses Internet effectively to pursue various types of research.
  • Uses Internet effectively to pursue various types of social networking.  Protects privacy of the organization by adhering to a “code name” policy for all status updates.
  • Looks for opportunities to advise and train new staff.
  • Looks for opportunities to advise and train new staff on why they never should have left their last job.
  • Represents the organization with the utmost professionalism.
  • Represents the organization with the utmost professionalism when scheduling male boss’s cut and blow dry at Hair Force One.

Best case scenario, HR puts a big check mark next to “shows mediocre levels of initiative” in my permanent record.

Secretary4Life

Written by Secretary4Life

Secretary4Life is an administrative assistant by day, and bored, frustrated, aspiring writer also by day. By night she complains about going back to work in the morning.

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Posted by Secretary4Life on Wednesday, September 1, 2010 at 11:13 am 
Filed under Articles - Humor, Sheep Submissions · Tagged with ,

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