Back to Work Fashion and Some Fall Finds
August does this creepy thing where it turns into Autumn, it’s total bullshit. Yes, the summer is loosening the grip that is non-existent for most adults in the workplace, because unless you’re a teacher or have some other weird magical summers-off job, (full-time snow plower?) you had to report at 9 or 10 am every stinkin’ day of this gorgeous steamy summer we just had, and summer is the same as fall is the same as winter, anyway.
That means A/C in exchange for a cool breeze, canned office air instead of salty beach winds. Sucks to be you. But go make that cheddar, that’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Chances are, Kelly Osbourne has more money than you.
What you should be ashamed of is wearing last season’s wardrobe, according to fancy people with lots of money and free time. Wearing last year’s dungarees and yesterday’s yarns is a major faux pas in many fashion circles. I don’t answer to the fashion police, and I personally live life above the garment laws, but you probably don’t, so, do what you must. And just because you’re not preparing to repeat the 11th grade or getting ready to kick it college style doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t get your ass over to K-Mart or Bergdorf Goodman’s or wherever you go to blow that hard earned dough and save some of it on those sweet back to school discounts. I’m pretty sure they don’t check ID, so they may never know if you’re actually going to be wearing the clothes ‘back to school’ or not.
Take advantage of the price cuts intended for the youth of today what with their bright futures ahead of them. Then, when they start that internship, they’ll think you’re their age (cause you’ll be wearing clothes designed for them) and maybe they’ll flirt with you.
While you’re shopping, here are a few lady fashion notes I’ve picked up, which will carry nicely into the post summer season. For the chicas – those sweaters that look like waterfalls in the front, all dramatically flowing down on either side of a lady? I love ‘em. They look classy and dress up a simple shirt or dress with almost no effort – my kind of fashion. Those high waist-ed skirts with black belts all cute up around the gut area? Ding! Yes, please. Just make sure they’re not too short or the fellas will get more than their measly paychecks this fall when you bend over to grab a folder from the WXYZ drawer.
Oh yes, I love to do (uncomfortable) shoes.
Believe it or not, Aerosoles has been cranking out some decent foot fashions lately, so there’s no reason or excuse to wear backbreaking heels made by gay men solely for the purpose of torturing women. Wedges and flats are where it’s at. Don’t be shy if it’s a bland look – have the nards to take comfortable and make it sexy, or make it your own if sexy ain’t quite your thing.
Did you know that in the 40s, the ladies used to wear shoe clips – like clip-on earrings for shoes — to dress up plain footwear? Brilliant. Ebay it. One more word on comfort: take a hint from the gents.
Dudes won’t wear clothing that isn’t comfortable, not for all the tang in Little Italy. It’s just not in their make up. I’m not sure if it’s because they’re too smart to put themselves through pain just for sex or if they’re too stupid to care about stuff. But either way, they win. Follow their lead.
Now a few fashionable pain-free tips for the fellas – you didn’t think I’d forget you, didja? Fedoras were really cute on girls for the last decade thanks to Britney Spears donning one in her naughty school girl vid, and they still are, but it’s dudes turn to take back those hats.
"Nice fedora. Do they come in Men's?"
Other than that, I only really know what guys shouldn’t wear when I see them wearing it. I do know that over-sized clothing on guys looks dumb. You’re not fooling us into thinking you’re skinnier or more gangsta than you are, we know you’re fat and weak and we don’t care.
Now, John, you're to wear clothes in proportion to your physique.
Wear clothes that fit – pants, shirts, etc. Also, pleats suck. Just avoid them at any cost. I think I’ve said that before and I stand by it. Even if you’re robust, don’t wear pleats. Just don’t do pleats ever, please, male or female. Pleat companies: please stop making pleated pants.
People in charge, please stop mistaking pleated pants and suits as a symbol of authority. As a rule, classic front pleats just suck. Learn it, love it, live by it.
In closing, don’t forget to stop by the thrift stores to grab up some cheap threads that the rich and shameless refuse to wear now that the season has passed. K? Now, get back to work. See ya next month, and you better be lookin’ good.
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Who gets to report to work at 9:00 or 10:00 a.m.? That’s almost as good as getting the whole summer off. Nope, 8:30 is the sad sad norm for most of us.