Ask the Expert – Mustaches in the Workplace?

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As a child raised during the 1980s, I have many fond memories: Who’s The Boss?, Hulk Hogan, my uncle Frank’s mustache.

And for the record, I emphasize fond when I recall memories of Frankie’s ‘stache. It was a work of art, a daily statement and a way of life.

Oates mustache

Is the mustache REALLY appropriate for the workplace? -- TCS photoshop

Nowadays, I’m often reminded of that benchmark of testosterone because mustaches are officially back. Just take a look around.

The resurgence of the mustache has left us with many questions, but the one we’re tackling is:

Does the mustache have a place in the office?

We’ve consulted mustache expert Mark La Monica. What makes La Monica an expert? A childhood on Long Island, pop culture extraordinaire and creator of “Mustache Madness” , a contest judging the top mustaches in New York sports history, are credentials enough.

La Monica is quick to praise the power of the ‘stache, but isn’t as confident about bringing it to the cubicle.

The Collared Sheep: Why are mustaches back?
La Monica: Did they ever really go away? Oh sure, the ’90s brought us high-top fades and crazy pork-chop sideburns, and the ’00s brought up the chinstrap beard. But deep down, in places we don’t talk about at parties, we want mustaches, we need mustaches.

TCS: What makes a good mustache?
La Monica: First, you need the desire to grow, shape, cultivate and nurture the hair that grows in the space between your upper lip and nose. That intestinal fortitude is the key ingredient. After that, you need to look at shape, girth and the way in which the mustache controls the man’s daily decision-making. For example, Viper always made the right decision in “Top Gun.” Most of that was caused by his mustache. Whereas, Herm Edwards had many clock management issues when he was the head coach of the New York Jets. Again, his mustache may have been the controlling factor there.

TCS: Can you talk about the different kinds of mustaches that have risen to the forefront?
La Monica: The Magnum P.I. is never a bad look, although no one other than Tom Selleck can really pull it off. Nowadays, you see three basic approaches to the mustache: 1) the prepubescent stubble ‘stache that makes you look like a high school yearbook photo from 1991; 2) The big monster ‘stache that looks like you taped a whisk broom to your face then carved it into an upside-down “U” with handlebars that tickle places on your face only a woman should; 3) I call it the “The Bull
Rider.” It’s big and thick and so out of place on the person’s face that it challenges you to look at it for eight seconds without turning away. Very tough to do.

TCS: We know Keith Hernandez won your “Mustache Madness” contest, that took on a life of its own in New York. You guys received a lot of publicity from that, including a Keith Hernandez Mustache Night at Shea Stadium. Is Keith’s ‘stache truly a benchmark for above-the-lip facial hair?
La Monica: My co-creator Joey and I still can’t believe that 25,000 people at Shea Stadium received fake mustaches one night because of us. It was truly the pinnacle of my career. Everyone knows the power Hernandez weilds with his mustache. It’s sort of like when they opened the ark in “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” It’s probably better to just look away to avoid any potential social missteps. It’s atop the pantheon of mustaches along with Selleck. Burt Reynolds is also among the best in the business. But I also like to put Eddie Murphy on my Mustache Mount Rushmore. No one really talks about it, but it’s been with him since the days of “48 Hours” and “Beverly Hills Cop.” That’s longevity. To be honest, I was a little disappointed when his donkey character in the animated “Shrek” movies didn’t come with a mustache.

TCS: What are your thoughts on mustaches in the workplace?
La Monica: I think they’re a great idea . . . if you’re a state trooper, a middle-management guy in the IT department, or a baseball player from 1985. Otherwise, save it for the weekends.

TCS: Can you draw any firm conclusions if your boss has a well-executed mustache? What about if it’s a sub par ‘stache?
La Monica: If the boss is rocking a strong ‘stache, employee morale is high. If the ‘stache is poor, his wife hates him, he hates her and you’ll be working lots of late nights.

TCS: In a similar breath, what can your mustache say about YOU in the workplace?
La Monica: It’s not so much what it says about you. More like what you overhear other people saying about you.

TCS: What advice do you offer any up-and-comers considering a mustache?
La Monica: Step 1: Cut a hole in a box. Just kidding. Just go to Google Images and type in “mustache.” Then study, study, study. See what you like, see what should never go near your face. After you’ve decided on the proper way to approach growing your mustache, go ask your girlfriend what she thinks. She’ll say no and that’s really all that matters. Sure, you may have the best mustache in town, but if there are no customers for a mustache ride, you’re out of business.

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