A 3% Raise Reminds You of the Little Things
What Washington thinks of that raise.
It’s time to celebrate!
No, I didn’t quit.
No, I didn’t get a callback from the casting director for the new Judd Apatow movie.
Yes, I did get a 3% raise!
If you follow my column, you know that the only news that came out of my last annual review was my discussion of watering plants. Since I didn’t verbal vomit this time around, I consider this a two-part success.
On top of my additional $29.00 a paycheck, my new added responsibility is purchasing magazines for the lobby with company money. I can’t decide if my job isn’t so bad after all, or if buying US Weekly and OK Magazine is more degrading than stripping for rent money.
I realize that this new raise isn’t much. In fact, I have friends making 6-figure salaries, so chances are high I’m not mentioning a word. However, we all can agree that anything is better than nothing (with a few things exclusions in that phrase).
Here are 10 things I MIGHT do with my extra $58.00 a month:
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and soft toilet paper.
1. Buy soft toilet paper
My boyfriend complains that I have cardboard toilet paper. Guess what, snookums? Charmin ULTRA Soft might be in the near future. Talk about spicing up a relationship.
2. Give at least a dollar to a talented subway performer
I recently saw a man playing “Imagine” by John Lennon…on a saw. If that man isn’t on the next season of “America’s Got Talent” I can at least offer him some spare change.
3. Offer to buy a drink
With my salary it works out in my best interest that women tend to get free drinks. However, wouldn’t it be just be absolutely wild to buy your friend/boyfriend a drink once in awhile?
4. Take a cooking class
I often brag about my amazing work lunches, but I could use a little help with dinner dishes. My first question, “Now, how exactly do you know when the egg is done boiling?”
5. Turn on my AC
It’s been averaging the upper 90′s in NYC. When I step out of my cold shower, I immediately start sweating. When I turn on my AC, it’s as if I see money evaporate.
6. Get a new bra
Wine gets better with age. Bras, not so much.
7. Eat Cake Man Raven until my belly explodes
If you are ever in Fort Greene, Brooklyn you must try this red velvet cake. End of story.
8. Invest in Roller Blades
Is there anything sexier than ditching the gym for a stroll around town in spandex on wheels.
9. Download songs
Isn’t it true that music is the remedy for anything? My ipod could use a surgery.
10. Save it
Say what?
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