6 New Year’s Resolutions for the Office Jerk


office-jerkThe year 2014 is the year to banish your awful reputation as the office jerk. Admittedly, if it wasn’t for you being an absolutely brilliant genius at what you do, you’d probably have been fired a long time ago for your bad attitude and toxic personality. Okay, maybe it’s not that bad, and you could just be a bit more open, friendlier, and nicer. Commit to being a more pleasant co-worker and making the office a happy place with the following new year’s resolutions:

1. Banish Sighing

Exasperated sighs won’t make the presentation share itself or give your income a raise. Audible sighs only surround you with a black cloud. Hold back sighs during training on retail software and the point-of-sale customer experience. Resist sighs as you get frustrated with a project gone wrong. Fight the urge to sigh when your neighbor won’t stop tapping on their desk. Just say no to sighing.

2. Use an Emoji

Yeah, you’re a period guy, but that punctuation mark is being misconstrued in emails, right? Resolve to appropriately include a smiley face in a message that has a high probability of being misinterpreted. Use exclamation points with caution.

3. Give Happy Hour a Chance

Be a yes man. Happy hour tonight? Yes! With co-workers whom I pass 20 times a day to and from my cubicle? You bet. You need a ride home after? Sure thing! You live 35 miles out of my way? No problem. Rather than ignoring the invitation messaged over work chat. Rather than asking a slew of questions while acting interested only to end with, “I won’t make it.” Rather than be a jerk, say yes.

4. Frame a Picture of Your Dog

So you’re trying to shed your image of being a jerk? Frame a picture of your dog, or any dog, and visibly set it on your desk. A puppy works too. Everyone likes a dog lover, and as co-workers stop by to ask for your late report, they’ll see your beloved pooch in a heart-shaped frame and warmly ask what his name is. Depending on how late your report is, you may want to respond with a tear rolling down your cheek, and share the tragic tale of how he got hit by a school bus, today!

5. Share a Dove Chocolate

You know, if you unfold a Dove chocolate, there’s a special message on the inside of the foil. Unfolding a dove chocolate is like a blooming flower. It’s two treats in one. Not only do you get to enjoy a mouthwatering bite-size piece of chocolate, you’re blessed with a feel-good message like “Feel the sun on your face” or “Love what you do.” Share a chocolate with a co-worker, and together you can count job-related blessings such as “fluorescent lighting gives my face a soft glow” or “my soul yearns to make Google doc spreadsheets.” You can even pin your Dove chocolate messages to a corkboard and create a foiled collage of positivity.

6. Facebook Friend a Co-Worker

Just one is good. (Pick the best looking one.)

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