4 Reasons I Wish Rick Ross Ran Security at Work

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Each morning when I walk into work, I’m greeted by a half-there security guard. I often wonder “If shit really went down, could Shaun really have my back?

I’m guessing no. But I’m not too concerned by it. My building doesn’t contain the secrets that Cyberdyne Systems Corporations does in The Terminator series. But I say if my company is going to pay for security, it should step its game up.

Here at Sheep Headquarters, we threw around some key names when considering who’d we want: Kimbo Slice, Chuck Norris, Tim Tebow, Bruce Lee’s corpse, Mickey Rourke.

But we decided on Rick Ross. If you don’t know who Rick Ross is, you must NEVER listen to rap. Either way, let us explain why:

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    "Good morning, Von Kaiser. The beard wishes you a great day."

    The look

    It starts with the beard. We’ve laid out our stances on beards here on TCS. Ross personifies the beard that commands respect. Should anyone confuse the beard with Kimbo Slice, the renown fighter, that’s an added bonus.

    Either way, it’d be much nicer walking in to work and being greeted by Ross’ beard instead of Shaun’s gross belly.

    Ross also appears to be a rather capable fellow. His height/weight isn’t listed officially online, but let’s guess he checks in at 6’1, 275. If it gets a little hostile, I generally keep away from the guy that’s built like an NFL defensive lineman.

    Lastly, Ross is always dressed for success. I want my security to say “great suit” rather than “Paul Blart.”


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    Possible fringe benefits

    Let’s not forget Mr. Ross is a renown rapper. And what do rappers surround themselves with? Beautiful women, fine food and drink, expensive cars and money.

    If Rick is busy with someone else this Friday, I'll be free.

    Stopping by in the morning and checking in with Ross could go such a long way come Friday. How sick would it be if Ross invited you to the club on Saturday night? You’re not waiting behind the rope making sure your shirt properly starched.

    Ladies, don’t count yourselves out. Catch Ross’ eye on Friday night, and you could be hanging with him and T-Pain, cruising around in a Rolls Phantom. Better than your boyfriend’s Geo Prizm.


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    Thinks like the enemy

    Ross doesn’t shy away from talking about a life of crime. He told XXL Magazine:

    “The stuff I talk about is real. The dope is real. The gun talk is official. Look up Kenneth ‘Boobie’ Williams. Look where he’s from. That’s not nothing to be proud of. I wish that on no man. But, just to let you know, that’s what I witnessed. It’s a reality. I cannot discuss certain people that’s still in the streets, and I will not. I took a street oath, and I’ma live by that, and I’ma die by that. And it’s not about a music career, ’cause that shit, I’m good. It’s about me and being in the streets.”

    Here’s Ross planning out a heist in the “Push It” video.

    "We need to tighten up this vector…too easy of a getaway."

    If he can make moves like that, you know he can prevent moves like that.


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    The resume

    Bullet point No. 1 on the resume for the security job? Corrections officer.Yes, you read that correctly. Rick Ross worked as an actual corrections officer.

    rick ross corrections officer

    The "rap game" sure has changed over the years.

    Sure, he tried to deny it, but that’s 18 months of experience running a tight ship. There will be no loitering in my lobby, homeless man. You will use the revolving door when it’s cold and blustery outside. You will stand 10 feet away from the building when you smoke your cigarette. If you do not meet these circumstances, you will deal with Ross.

    And with the hit song “The Boss” on the resume, you can always take your actual boss a peg down by referring to Ross as boss or boss man.

Clearly we’ve sold you on Ross. But who else would make a fine security manager for your building?

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Comments

One Response to “4 Reasons I Wish Rick Ross Ran Security at Work”
  1. Chase says:

    Great read man, capped off with an epic picture…wow

    I’d hire ‘The Boss’ as my security guard any day!

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